Glee Club on Cracked
by SystematicHooliganism
Summary: Brittany submits an article to the humour site Cracked dot com and orders everyone at WMHS to comment/review. Hilarity ensues. Also features Fondue for Two in later chapters!
1. Four Most Perfect Animals on Earth

**GLEE CLUB ON CRACKED**

**Summary: Brittany submits an article to the humour site Cracked dot com and orders everyone at WMHS to comment/review. Hilarity ensues. Read on for laughs!**

**Rating: T**

**Pairing: Brittany/Santana**

**A/N: I know I should probs update The Hunter and The Serf first (if you aren't following that, please kindly check it out), but sadly I can't do that until Saturday. This story just begged to be written and it won't let my brain rest, which was bad since my weeklong exams are starting later on today so I just had to write this down in order to be able to focus.**

**Apologies in advance for any typos, grammatical errors and misuse of any expression/idioms as English is not my first language (i survive using urbandictio haha). **

**As always, enjoy reading and please review. Hope I'm random enough to make you laugh.**

**P.S. Probs a one-shot but depending on reviews (and inspiration), it might get turned into a multi-chap.**

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**The Four Most Perfect Creatures on Planet Earth**

**By: Brittany S. Pierce (pronounced Britt-knee S-pears)**

4. A Tie between Octopus, Squid, Scorpion, Chambered Nautilus, Spider, and any creature with more than 2 arms.

_(picture of an octopus, and a squid side by side)_

Why so perfect octopi (_in_ _case you didn't know, octopi is the plural of octopus_)? I envy them so much since they have so many arms (_8 in total, if you didn't know_). I, being a land-based creature of the specie _homo sapiens_ (_I now declare everyone to be homosexual, since you usually want another homo sapiens to be your partner right? But that would be leaving out people who loved their cars so much like those I've seen in that one episode of National Geographic—they even write poems for their cars, et cetera. Anyways, I'm exempted from the label homosexual since you know, I'm an awesome bicorn_). Where was I? Oh right, being a _homo sapiens_ I am only limited to having 2 arms like you, dear reader, although I'm not too sure about that since my cat Lord Tubbington also knows how to read (_he reads my diary_), so some readers will have four arms. Are paws considered arms? Hang on, I'm gonna text my BFF-slash-love of my life Santana. Anyways, having two arms proves problematic especially when it comes to sexting Santana. (_We'll have to survive through sexting right now since San is moving to Louisville, although she promises to visit every weekend. Yay!_)

As I was saying, it becomes problematic since I didn't know you'd have to keep track of your limbs when you sext, y'know? Sometimes Santana would ask in the middle of sext (_we were practising_), 'But Brittz you have your hand down ***censored***. I don't get it, we're just imagining, right? That way, when I have 8 arms, I could ***censored* **and ***censored* **while at the same time, ***censored*** and then ***censored* **while making out with her. Hot right?

3. Ducks!

One time my parents took me on a fancy restaurant and then they ordered Peking Duck and foie gras (_thanks for the help San, I had no idea how to google that_) and I started crying. How could you do that to perfectly awesome creatures like ducks?

I mean, the process of making foie gras must be the most horrifying thing on earth. Try putting yourself in the duck's shoes—or webbed feet, whatever—and imagine you were a young duckling, fuzzy and cute and yellow, fresh out of an egg, frolicking in the pond with your fellow ducklings and mama Duck. And then you were suddenly taken away from your mama and then imprisoned in a box, and then force-fed with herbs and stuff through a tube shoved down your throat so your liver would grow so large and then humans could enjoy the melt-in-your-mouth goodness of your liver. :'(

I reiterate my previous question: How could you do that to perfectly awesome creatures like ducks?

2. Cats

I love pussy cats, even the non-meowing variety. I currently own three: Lord Tubbington, Charity, and my girlfriend's (_if you know what I mean_). All three of them are different—oh, who was I kidding, only one of them was different—but I love them all the same.

They're adorable and sweet and extremely cuddly (_clue: one of them isn't cuddly_). My cat Lord Tubbington loves fondue so much. He lives for it I think—that, and Santana's Cuban cigars. I told her I'll withhold sex if she keeps sneaking him those cancer sticks from her dad's stash. Although now that I think about it, possibly some Chronic Lady too. I sometimes see Mr. Ryerson up and about the neighbourhood and I'm afraid he got my cat addicted too. I don't get why it's called Chronic Lady though—are those made from the ashes of some chronically-ill lady? Gross! Why did I think of that?

1. Unicorn

I love unicorns (_they're one-horned horses in case you didn't know_). My good friend Kurt Hummel and my hot girlfriend Santana Lopez are both unicorns. Maybe Blaine too, but he looks like a toddler so I don't know if he's unicorn as well. Do unicorns wear bowties? I have yet to see one.

Rhinoceroses are also unicorns, but they're like the black sheep of the specie (_not family—I paid attention in Biology you know_). One time I saw my friend Lauren Zizes watching videos of rhinos mauling other rhinos' children on youtube and I was so scared I ran off stayed in the janitor closet and forgot how to leave because of those toxic bleach fumes. She said she's copying their moves for her upcoming wrestling match. It's terrifying. Remind me never to google image the word 'mauling' ever again.

Anyway, unicorns are really awesome creatures—they're magic, they can fly, they poop cotton candy. I wish they'd poop Dots too. (_love those! Especially the red ones!_) San once gave me a box of red Dots for our first monthsary (_isn't she the sweetest girlfriend? God, I love her!)_, and it was better than the box of pure marshmallow Lucky Charms I got from my pet leprechaun who turned out to be fake after all.

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**(69 comments – Post new comment)**

SatanLespez: If I ever see one hateful comment, I will track you down and ends you!

FiercePresidentPierce: Aww, first comment! You're so sweet, S! You're my first everything... which reminds me, if you can say my username ten times fast, I'll totally let you top me tonight.

Puckusaurus: wow never took you 4 a bottom Santana!

LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: What's a bottom?

CourageousBlaine: Yep, I thought you'd be the more..._active_ partner. : )

Totsexual: Haha, Satan's a pillow queen.

StripperBieber: Cedes, isn't that supposed to be SamSexual?

Totsexual: No.

BubbaShane: ShaneSexual?

Totsexual: No.

SatanLespez: Uh, Brittz, why is everyone here? *goes to find a hole to die in*

FiercePresidentPierce: I posted the link on Facebook, and by the power vested in me as President (and because of my natural awesomeness), I decreed that everyone should comment on my article.

FiercePresidentPierce: OMG! Don't die, San!

SatanLespez: I'm not Brittz. Just dying of embarrassment right now, no biggie.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: After reading your article Brittany, I think my brain needs to be bleached.

SatanLespez: A million lezzie jokes just popped into my head after seeing your username, I wouldn't know where to begin. You're gonna needz help from Finnocence in order to reach the top shelf, hobbit! And in the first place, you're only going to need brain bleach if your mind filled in the censored parts.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Uhm, we don't keep the bleach on the top shelf, Santana, but that is beside the point.

CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Calm down, Berry. At least you weren't in cheer camp with them! I've had to endure them for three years!

FiercePresidentPierce: You weren't asleep?

SatanLespez: I knew it, Fabgay! You were spying on us, you pervert!

CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Hard not to if we're sharing a little corner room with a bunk bed and a single bed.

FiercePresidentPierce: You should've asked to join Q. That would be hot!

SatanLespez: Also, you should probably add 'crazy' to that word salad you call your username.

Puckusaurus: aaaaaah the visuals: 2 cheerios getting it on, o god, so turned on ryt now!

Azeemio: btw i hav santitneys sextape on loop britney u shouldnt hav spliced it with ur cats vid

Puckusaurus: dude, ur post makes my head hurt. learn 2 use fucking apostrophies, man!

FrankenFinn: How do you fuck apostrophies?

FrankenFinn: Sorry, Brittany moment. : P

SatanLespez: Oh no, you didn't! Q, is there any way you could justify homicide for me when you graduate from Yale?

FiercePresidentPierce: It's Brittany... bitch! And Puck, it's apostrophe.

FrankenFinn: You need something Rach?

FiercePresidentPierce: Frankenfin? Are you like the rare species of fish that only exists as a fin?

SatanLespez: Brittz, that's just Finnocence.

JewfroIsrael: **You're not allowed to talk! (**_**Edited**__**by SatanLespez 8 minutes ago**_**)**

Porcelaine: Quinn, your username's a mouthful!

SatanLespez: I know what else is a mouthful... *evil grin*

Porcelina: Blaine's dick!

Porcelaine: I DID NOT SAY THAT!

Porcelina: if you paid the username any real attention, you'd know it was me. Btw, Tana here.

Porcelaine: ...

SatanLespez: Also, did you just imply that Blaine's dick is so tiny it wouldn't even fill your mouth? God, I feel so dirty typing that up! *reaches for a bottle of hand sanitizer*

FiercePresidentPierce: San, that remark was below the belt. Like, waaaay below the belt.

Puckusaurus: oooh, britts tugging on d leash! Ha.

SatanLespez: Sorry B. And Kurt. STFU Puck!

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: God, I need that bleach!

PandaExpressTina: x2!

SatanLespez: GTFO Berry!

HottiePatootieCarl: I hear somebody needs bleaching?

JennaUshkowitz: Even in fanfics, Tina doesn't talk.

SatanLespez: Oh please, we let Panda express all the time! Too bad she couldn't express anything other than her agreement!

PandaExpressTina: x2!

SatanLespez: See?

JennaUshkowitz: ...

SugarRKMotta: My dad has Andrew Wyeth's _Chamber Nautilus_ on his den. He bought it when it was auctioned off at Sotheby's.

FiercePresidentPierce: What does RK mean? Does it mean Real Kidding? 'Cuz that would be contradictory, don't you think?

StripperBieber: It's Rich Kid. If I were rich, I wouldn't have needed to strip. : (

FiercePresidentFierce: Why does it say 'Blaine's *censored*' to me?

SatanLespez: You'll have to have the 'show profanity' toggled, Brittz.

FiercePresidentPierce: Oooh, right! Thanks, S! You're totally topping me tonight. ; )

SatanLespez: Anytime, B. But please stop mentioning that.

FiercePresidentPierce: Mention what, S? That you're gonna top me tonight?

SatanLespez: *facepalm*

FiercePresidentPierce: San, your face isn't a palm. That would be gross... and weird. I like your face just fine.

CoachRozDaOlympian: FYI, Peking is another name for Beijing. I should know—I competed in the 2008 Beijing Olympics where I won this damn bronze medal for individual synchronized swimming.

SatanLespez: Brittz, this isn't what I expected when you texted me that you're gonna send me a picture of your wet pussy!

FiercePresidentPierce: But I'm washing my pussy Lord Tubbington right now. So of course, he's gonna be wet, San. What did you think? I'll send you a picture of my other wet pussy next. Y'know, Charity.

SatanLespez: Ooops! That was meant to be a text! Where's the delete button?

Totsexual: This is so fun! Satan keeps sticking her foot in her mouth!

FiercePresidentPierce: Oh, she can do that. She's reaaalllly flexible. Like the other day, San and I ***censored for mature content***

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**As always please review!**


	2. Four Animals I couldn't Live Without

**A/N: Decided to turn this into a multi-chap. I also updated The Hunter and The Serf. Check that out too. :) **

**As always, review!**

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**Four animals I couldn't live without**

**By: Brittany S. Pierce**

**08-20-2012 999,999 views**

If ever a zombie apocalypse occurs in the future I'd just run off with Santana to my uncle's farm. He totally keeps pigs, poultry and whatnot. And also that goat who ate Rachel's allowance. And then we'd be safe 'coz we still got our favourite foods to eat but then I don't know if I'll ever be able to kill them but maybe Santana could since she says she keeps razorblades hidden in her hair but then I've made out with her enough times and fisted those soft, silky dark locks and never once cut my hand.

But what if the zombies got into my uncle's farm first? Would we stumble upon legions of undead animals out for our brains too? Now that's a troubling thought.

4. Egg

(evolves into baby ducks, baby chickens, baby birds, baby snakes, **spoiler alert: **baby dragons in the Game of Thrones-S01E10)

I still have no idea what the difference between an egg with an egg in it and an egg with a baby chick/duck/bird/snake/dragon inside. All I know is that eggs are delicious. I like them sunny-side up, but I'll also do scrambled (_not like that tho, get your mind out of the gutter. I meant I also eat scrambled eggs_). There's a specific type of egg that Santana says I'm not allowed to touch/get near to, though (_if you know what I mean_). Santana also says that one time she kicked Puck so hard in the groin and according to her, his balls became scrambled eggs (_this may or may not be the same thing mentioned in the previous sentence_). Anyway that was because he was being an ass. My girlfriend really does kick ass! Love her!

3. Chicken

(evolves into chicken)

My whole life I've wondered why a dead chicken with no feathers is called a _dressed _chicken. As Alanis Morissette would say: it's ironic. Any idea why?

I also wonder why a coward is called a chicken. I mean chickens are brave little animals. One time I tried to grab a chick because they're like really cute and fluffy and tiny and they make these cute little chirpy sounds (_formerly my ringtone until I heard Rachel's _My Headband_ which is like the best song ever after _My Cup) but the mama chicken attacked me and nearly pecked my eye. I thought only crows do that. But anyway San went Lima Heights Adjacent on that mama chicken and spent the whole day chasing it across my uncle's farm. She never caught it though.

2. Pig

(evolves into pork which turns into ham and bacon)

If this were Quinn's article, pig would be number 0. That ranks higher than being number 1, right? I wish that kind of numbering was the same as it was at school... and with my 0.0 GPA, they wouldn't have flunked me and I'm going to be like the class valedictorian. Whatever.

I remember one time the Unholy Trinity had a sleepover at my house, and my mom cooked us all bacon, and she and Santana fought for the last piece. Girl-fight was hot by the way, (_totally turned me _on) and after that, Santana and I had a _banging_ good time. I'd have appreciated it if Quinn had joined but she had to go to church so... I totally went to church with her a long time ago and it was like Glee, but a lot more boring since all people seem to do is close their eyes and hum. I never bothered to figure out the lyrics and most of the time I fell asleep. In the end, my parents quit dragging me off to church and let me sleep in at Sundays. It's not like I'd be able to get up though since Santana spends her weekends at my house, (_if you know what I mean_).

Where was I? Oh right, on the subject of pigs.

When San and I get married in the future I'm totally keeping a Japanese pot-bellied pig. Not the kind that Finn gave to Rachel (_that's gross, and he's so insensitive 'coz she's vegan_), but it's waaaaaay cuter and then we'd jog on mornings in our matching tracksuits and the pig would jog along with us. Isn't that cute?

1. Cow

(evolves into beef which turns into steak)

Steaks are delicious, love them. Thanks cows! And for the milk too. Lord Tubbington loves them too especially when they're turned into cheese and he says he'd like to express his gratitude too.

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**( 80 comments – Post a new comment)**

MrsHagberg43: Ms. Pierce, an egg with an egg in it and an egg with a baby chicken inside is the same thing!

-FiercePresidentPierce: But how would I know if it contained baby ducks instead? I can't eat ducks they're all cute and fluffy and harmless.

FiercePresidentPierce: Licking Lord Tubbington isn't the same as licking ***censored***

-Azeemio: i ship santitney + videocmeras

-RickTheStick: me too!

-FrankenFinn: me three!

-Azeemio: dude u ruind it

-FrankenFinn: I thought we were counting?

iAm...KatiePierce: I knew it, Britt! You weren't braiding Santana's hair when I popped into your room and saw her head between your legs while you were watching reruns of Sweet Valley High!

-SugarRKMotta: When Brittana are in the same room together, don't expect them to braid each other's hair. They're like, interracial Siamese twins. Sorry, Asperger's!

-FiercePresidentPierce: What has being a cat got to do with it? Also, that's racist. Racism is bullying and I won't stand for it!

-AtTheCrossRhodes: I gave birth to mixed-race twins but they were taken away.

-LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: Sug, what's a Brittana?

-SatanLespez: What the hell do you know about us?

-SugarRKMotta: Please, I've spent more than enough time with you both during your short-lived stint at the Troubletones and I think I'm scarred for life.

-Puckusaurus: yep, santana's like the face-hugger frm alien. xcept u know, pussy-hugger.

-iAm...KatiePierce: Also, Tana, feel free to pay me in kind or in cash for my silence.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Don't tell mom about that Katie! I totally won't make you clean up LT's litter box from now on! Pinkie promise!

-iAm...KatiePierce: Deal! And Tana, I'm waiting. : )

-SatanLespez: *sigh*

SatanLespez: Q, kidnapping is a federal offense right?

-CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Yes, S. Why?

-SatanLespez: Nothing. I'm gonna needz you sometime in the future to bail my ass out of jail.

-FiercePresidentPierce: You aren't going to jail, San. I'm going to fight tooth and nail for you. Although I really don't get that expression since I'm going to use my fists and my charm.

-SatanLespez: Sweet. You want to cuddle, Brittz?

-CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Ugh. Take your flirting elsewhere.

-FiercePresidentPierce: *pouts*

-SatanLespez: Don't mind her Brittz. She's just jealous she's not getting any right now.

SRyerson: Poke!

-Totsexual: Wut?

-SRyerson: You have just been poked! Poked by the...dagger!

-AtTheCrossRhodes: You can poke me anytime!

-Totsexual: ?

Puckusaurus: haha mercedes, totally read ur username as titsexual.

WholeLottaZizes: What is beauty if the brain and the bra are empty?

-SatanLespez: Are you insinuating something, Poppin' Fresh?

-WholeLottaZizes: Are you gonna go Lima Heights on my fine ass? 'Cause that worked out for you last time!

-FiercePresidentPierce: I'm a healthy 36A...

-SatanLespez: Ignore her Brittz. She doesn't even go here.

StripperBieber: Was that supposed to be Whole Lotta Woman?

WholeLottaZizes: I spell woman as Z-I-Z-E-S.

StripperBieber: I'm dislexyc but I'm pretty sure it isn't spelled that way.

RachelBerryGoldstar4ever: It upsets me so much that most people live off on animal suffering. Unlike you Brittany, some people, specifically people like me, could live without having to indirectly slaughter animals. Maybe it's about time you consider going vegan?

-FiercePresidentPierce: Sorry Rachel but I don't think I'd like to go butch. I'm still in Cheerios, I can't just cut my hair.

-RachelBerryGoldstar4ever: What do you mean?

-FiercePresidentPierce: Uhm, you said I should consider going Tegan? Tegan and Sara? Did you mean it like a Halloween costume? 'Cuz San and I are going as Ginny and Luna. (If you must know, she'd written smutty fanfics about them. They're her OTP crackship. If you wanna go read them search for her username BitchLatina666 on .) Maybe next year? I'll ask her if she's okay with that, alright?

-FiercePresidentPierce: San mentioned that she might consider getting a flat top in the future so maybe Tegan and Sara haircuts would be alright since they're longer. I think she could rock that look even with her Cards uniform. What do you think?

-RachelBerryGoldstar: ...

-SatanLespez: TMI, Brittz, TMI.

-PrincipalFiggy1234: Achievement! For once Rachel Berry was rendered speechless. Half-price yogurt coupons for everyone!

FrankenFinn: TMI = Tell Me Instead?

-StripperBieber: MIT is Masachussetes Institute of Technology

-Azeemio: tmi = tits motorboat i in yoda-speak

-6thConsecutiveNationalChampS ue: America, that is how deplorable public education is. So I daresay we abolish it altogether and use the funds to developing the cheerleading program at McKinley. After all, I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map years ago. And that's how Sue...sees it!

FiercePresidentPierce: It's Massachusetts...bitch! And TMI means, Too Much Information! Srsly, go look it up in urbandictionary, morons.

-StripperBieber: Sorry I'm dislexyc.

-Porcelaine: How could she possibly know that?

-FiercePresidentPierce: It's Santana here, Lady Trousers. Brittz in the bathroom. Problem?

CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Berry, don't you realize how many vegetables had to suffer—leaves ripped off unsuspecting stems, fruits unjustly harvested after hanging undisturbed for about two or three weeks, root crops pulled out of the earth's warm embrace—just to feed people like you? Have a heart, eat a rock.

-RachelBerryGoldstar4ever: Haha, really funny Quinn.

-Puckusaurus: i dnt think rock is kosher. is it?

-SatanLespez: If you're gonna bitch about it, writez your ownz damn article, fag hag.

-CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans: Couldn't agree more!

-FiercePresidentPierce: Yay! The Unholy Trinity FTW!

-Puckusaurus: f u ever think of having a threesome, feel free 2 invite me. i'd be happy to just watch.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Quinn is not that into that. Sad panda : (

-SatanLespez: Brittz honey, I'm not into sharing. Cheating is cheating even if the plumbing's different.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I know that now, S! : ) you're all mine. MINE!

ArtieAbrams: Britt why is your article all about Santana? You weren't like this when we were dating and you were writing for the Muckraker.

Emokid1991: FTW = Fuck This World

-FiercePresidentPierce: Tina, is that you?

-AsianDancerMike: Britt, Tina is goth, not emo.

-PandaExpressTina: x2!

CourageousBlaine: Courage!

-SatanLespez: WTF?

CourageousBlaine: Oops, wrong gay! That was for Karofsky.

PandaExpressTina: Get all the solos!

-SugarRKMotta: Haha, you wish, Chang!

-FiercePresidentPierce: I'm still here. And I'm more talented than all of you.

TeenJesus: I should know better than to take a look at the comments. Thanks for killing my innocence.

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**Thanks for reading!**

**Feel free to suggest whatever you want Britt to write about in the next chaps, tho I'm thinking about doing Fondue for Two next chapter (I've written part of it).**


	3. Fondue for Two on Cracked

**Thanks to those who followed/favorited/reviewed so far! Keep 'em coming since they inspire me to write. I'll be updating The Hunter and The Serf next.**

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**Fondue for Two on Cracked**

**Hosted by: Brittany and Santana Lopez-Pierce**

(_Fondue for Two theme plays_)

(_show opens with a close-up of Brittany's chest, further zooming in on her cleavage_)

Brittany: Is it on? Are we on?

(_the camera moves up quickly to focus on her face as a thumbs up appears on the frame_)

Brittany (_all smiles_ _as she sits on a swivel chair, bouncing slightly. Behind her are various pictures of herself with a beautiful Latina_): Hi, I'm Brittany S. Pierce and welcome to Fondue for Two. Co-hosting with me is... wait...

(_she shuffles some cue cards, then turns back to the camera_)

Brittany (_clears throat then smiles brightly_): More than a year ago, when she was still a young unicorn foal, I invited her to come here on Fondue for Two but she texted me that she can't. She was still scared of her own magic and that time, I was really afraid for her because her tiny horn might fall off and she'll become a zebra. She refused to acknowledge her magic and awesomeness, you see. (_looks sad for a moment_) But now that she's out and proud, rudeness of Finn of course, since I refuse to say courtesy because kicking someone out of the flannel and overalls wardrobe—

(_Santana suddenly appears wearing an apron with a duck and a kitten snuggling together embroidered in the middle and large oven mitts studded with little unicorns, carrying a pot of something steaming which she sets down on a coffee table_)

Santana: It's closet, Britts.

Brittany: —is anything but courteous...

Rory (_offscreen and subtitled_): She did refer to him as an orca. What's an orca by the way?

Santana (_glares at the camera_): I'm sorry I can't understand you, I need subtitles.

Brittany: San... (_places hand on the small of Santana's back to soothe her and the Latina's expression immediately softens_) As I was saying, now that she had admitted to herself and to the whole school how awesome of a unicorn she was, here is my incredibly-hot, Lebanese-Hispanic girlfriend and future wife,

Maria Luisa Santana Dora Anita Corazon Fabiana Senorita—

Santana: Britts, I don't have names other than Santana, remember? And I'm _lesbian _and _Hispanic_.

Brittany (_sheepish_): Oh sorry, got carried away there. Anyway here's my amazing and drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend, co-host and interviewee, Santana Lopez.

Santana: Hi everyone. (_she waves, smiling uncertainly at the camera. It's too late when she notices that she's still wearing the unicorn oven mitt, then quickly takes it off_)

Brittany: Manning the camera is none other than my former pet leprechaun... (_frowns then whispers conspiratorially_) He's fake! (_speaks normally again_) Rory Flanagan. Lord Tubbington was actually my first choice for cameraman—er, cat—but Rory begged me to shoot this thing, and as he's returning to Ireland shortly, I decided to give him the honour.

Santana (_smirks then smiles with fake sincerity_): Bye, pixie, you won't be missed.

Brittany (_hisses sternly_): San, be nice.

(_Santana looks chastised and in turn, dips some broccoli into the pot and it comes out coated with fondue. She pops it into her mouth happily_)

Brittany: So, are you ready for your interview, San?

(_Santana nods_)

Brittany (_brow furrows as she rifles through a notepad which she had taken out from the back pocket of her criminally-short shorts. Santana's eyes travel up her long legs_): Here. Uhm, how long is your dong?

Santana (_eyes widening and nearly choking on fondue_): What?

Brittany (_turns red and then smiles sheepishly at the flustered Latina_): Oops that was one of Coach Sue's questions when she asked me to interview Mr. Schue last year. Sorry. Of course I know how long our new purple ***bleep* **is. Which reminds me, I'm totally using it on you tonight. (_turns the pages of her notepad some more)_

(_Santana's face is a mixture of arousal and embarrassment and offscreen, a mantra of hushed 'Mailman! Mailman!' is heard—also subtitled_)

Brittany (_gleeful_): Found it! What is your opinion on gloves running for the Presidency of the United States of America?

Santana (_looks blank_): What do you mean Britt-britt?

Brittany (_frowns_): Uhm... Gloves. Mitt Romney?

Santana (_her confused look melts into something similar to adoration_): Ohh. Right. Well, I'm all for marriage equality so I don't want a guy who opposes that to become our President.

Brittany (_chews her lip_): Personally, I don't think a glove can successfully hold the position. It's not even a sentient being. Moving on. (_turns over a few pages on her notepad_) What do you think of Rene Descartes's famous quote: _I think therefore I am?_

Santana (_fiddles with her laptop and reads in a monotone_): It is a fundamental element of Western Philosophy, wherein wondering about one's existence in reality proves that one indeed exists.

Brittany: That always puzzled me. Sometimes I don't really think. So does that mean I vanish somewhere in the space-time continuum? As in, I cease _being_. Anyway. Why is the Wall Street called _Wall Street_? You won't be able to get through a street if it has a wall, right? (_shrugs_) Santana, what is the meaning of life?

Santana (_caught off-guard as she was in the middle of popping more fondue-coated broccoli into her mouth but recovers quickly_): You are the meaning of my life, Britts.

Brittany (_blushes and smiles_): Aww, that's sweet. You give meaning to my life too. (_kisses Santana on the lips but gets carried away until Santana pushes her gently off her_)

Santana: Babe, Rory's filming, remember?

Brittany (_finger-combs her hair and musters her composure but her blue eyes are noticeably darker_): Okay, now's the time for our reader-submitted questions. (_she reaches for a fishbowl on her desk containing lots of rolled-up sheets of _paper) From musicjunkie201: Santana Lopez, are you and Carlos Santana related?

Santana (_flashes the camera a withering look_): Nope, we just happen to share the same... names.

Brittany (_nods_): From confusedunicorn13: Brittany, my mum said that if I became a lesbian I'd grow a penis on my forehead. I am a girl and I think I like this girl in class, so that makes me a unicorn right? Is the horn on the unicorn's forehead actually its penis too? Am I going to grow one? (_scrunches her nose_) As editor-in-chief of the Unicorn-wiki, I daresay your mother is terribly misinformed. A unicorn's horn is not a sex organ, it is merely a mark of its awesomeness. (_Santana nods to everything she says_)

Santana (_takes a sheet of paper from the fishbowl_): From numbahonesantanafan: Santana, I think even in mom jeans you're still going to look hot. (_scowls_) What even is this question? But of course, I look hot in everything. (_smirks at the camera_)

Brittany: From teamchristiangrey: Brittany, Santana, have you read _Fifty Shades of Grey_? It's really awesome OMG greatest book ever exclamation-exclamation-exclamation-number one-exclamation-excla—

Santana: No.

Brittany: Yeah, no. I'm afraid to lose the few brain cells that I have as I have to dumb myself down even further in order to be able to read the book. I flipped it open at random and I came across this gem—

Santana (_trying to suppress her laughter_): 'He's my very own Christian Grey-flavoured popsicle.'

Brittany: Sorry for dissing your book but San writes better smut than that.

Santana (_looking smug_): Damn right I do. (_draws another question from the bowl_) From user01: Britney, are you surprised you flunked high school? (_immediately looks angry and gestures wildly at the camera_) Tu eres loco! I'm going to track you down—

Brittany (_restrains Santana_): San, calm down. (_peers at the piece of paper Santana is holding_) San, it's not even for me. I'm Brittany and it's not spelled as B-R-I-T-N-E-Y.

Santana (_face clears_): Oh right, I'm sorry.

Brittany: So I think that's all for today folks. Once again this is your awesome bicorn host, Brittany S. Pierce and my amazing unicorn girlfriend, Santana Lopez. Tune in next week for Fondue for Two.

(_they both wave and then proceeds to finish off the food laid out on the table)_

(_Brittany dips her finger into the pot and pouts_)

Brittany: Aww, it's no longer hot, San.

Santana (_face lights up and smirks_): I have an idea Britt-britt. How about... (_voice lowers into a seductive husk_)...you lick it off me instead?

(_Brittany claps her hands together as Santana glares at the camera where an offscreen and subtitled mantra of 'Mailman! Mailman!' starts again_)

Santana: Not happening, gay elf. (_The camera shakes as she grabs it and turns it around to focus on a flustered Rory. A tan hand appears on the frame and shoves him in the chest as he stumbles out into the doorway_)

Santana (_offscreen_): If I ever sense you eavesdropping, I'll ends you. _Comprende_? Now go and disappear back into that cuckoo clock where you came from!

(_the final shot is of the door slamming closed as Santana says 'Not happening, Britt-britt' and everything goes black_)

* * *

**( 50 comments – Post a new comment)**

SatanLespez: Why is the camera focused on my girlfriend's boobs during the opening shot?

-LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: I was wondering if Brittany was indeed 36A.

-SatanLespez: Oh no you didn't! Start praying now, you goddamned potato-eating pervert! They don't call me Satan for nothing!

***CrippledCheerioWithBigBabyPl ans changed his/her username into Quinndependent***

Quinndependent: And that friends, is Santana 'Snix' Lopez.

FiercePresidentPierce: Happy Quinndependence day!

FiercePresidentPierce: A lil trivia: It took 36 replays for me to figure out what Rory was saying and therefore to add the subtitles. And to all who doubts that I'm indeed 36A, here's a picture of my bra. **(attachment removed by SatanLespez 36 minutes ago)**

-Azeemio: sch a buzzkill satan

-SatanLespez: My girlfriend's bra is not for you to perv over!

Totsexual: Lopez-Pierce? And that duck with the kitten apron... If I ever had any doubts that you're whipped Santana, they're totally gone now.

-Puckusaurus: i cnt with hw whipped u r santana!

-SatanLespez: CUNT hear you Puck. You too Wheezy!

-FiercePresidentPierce: I don't whip Santana. I don't like violence.

-BDSMaster: ew vnilla sex ur sex lyf mst b boring.

-FiercePresidentPierce: It's not. We're cheerios. We're really flexible. Once we tried having sex while playing Twister.

-SatanaLespez: Unlike your sex life, BDSMaster. Which is non-existent, fo' sho.

-Puckusaurus: Burn!

EmmaSchue: Don't respond to trolls, Brittany and Santana. You never know who's at the other end of your computer screen.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Why? Is this like in The Ring? Is somebody going to come crawling out of my computer screen? I've always wondered how that girl—Sadako?—could fit in a TV. Maybe she was more flexible than I thought.

FrankenFinn: Orcas are those ugly, miserable creatures in Middle Earth.

-SatanLespez: I'm surprised you know about Middle Earth, Finnocence. But then again I'm not. You dated a hobbit from after all.

-SatanLespez: And by the way, orcas are whales with scientific name: Jigglus Nippulus Hudsonus.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Scientific names are in Latin right? Well, Santana's Latina so her Latin is like, flawless :)

Azeemio: santitney pls make moar sextapes

-RickTheStick: i 2nd that

-FrankenFinn: thirded!

-FrankenFinn: Learning fast, aren't I?

-SatanLespez: Adams, Nelson, Lumps, and all other meatheads out there, NOT HAPPENING.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Santana looks so... _domesticated_.

-PandaExpressTina: x2!

-Porcelaine: I think that's a nice title for a play: _The Domesticated Devil_. Thanks Rach.

-SatanLespez: ,,I,,

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Wow, really classy, Santana. I thought we were friends? You even put a portrait of likeness in your locker!

-SatanLespez: Oh please, half-size. Because of that, I had to physically restrain Brittany from going after your ass and ripping you to pieces, tiny limb from tiny limb. She can be insanely territorial.

-FiercePresidentPierce: That's one-hundred percent true.

-RacheBerryGoldsStar4ever: Never pegged Brittany as one to resort to violence. That was more of Santana's domain.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I hate you.

-Quinndependent: Don't test her Berry.

GorillaDave: They don't wash their buttplugs in _Fifty Shades_. Seriously, ew.

-FiercePresidentPierce: You're not a gorilla Karofsky. You're a unicorn.

Pervyperve: FrankenFinn, you dated Rachel Berry right? How does Berry's berries taste like?

-FiercePresidentPierce: That's harassment. And harassment is a form of bullying so I won't stand for it. Santana, bring out the banhammer.

***SatanLespez has banned Pervyperve from commenting***

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Thanks for standing up for me Santana.

-FiercePresidentPierce: San didn't need to stand. She was lying on her stomach and fiddling with her laptop.

Puckusaurus: a wild whipped!tana appears!

Totsexual: A wild whipped!tana appears!

StripperBieber: A wild wiped!tana appears!

-FiercePresidentPierce: Biebs, Santana uses toilet paper, not baby wipes.

SugarRKMotta: A wild whipped!tana appears!

-Puckusaurus: mindtwins! or quadrplts wtevr.

CoachRozDaOlympian: The comments section is always cray-cray.

FiercePresidentPierce: Awww, don't cry, Coach.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	4. Fondue for One on Cracked

**This update is brought about by the pic of the gorgeous Naya Rivera that was tweeted two days ago. My legit reaction? Holy shit boobs batman, and I damn near fell off my chair.**

**Also, if you have a question for Brittana, just drop 'em in my tumblr ask (tumblr link is on my profile) and it might appear on the next update.**

**Enjoy! And as always, reviews are much appreciated.**

* * *

**Fondue for ****One**

**Hosted by: Brittany S. P. **

(_A slow acoustic version of Fondue for Two theme plays_)

(_Brittany sits on her swivel chair, looking glum. She morosely dips strips of bacon into fondue, pops them into her mouth, and slowly chews. An enormous grey tabby cat sits on her lap, purring loudly. He swipes at the fondue-covered bacon, but Brittany doesn't seem to notice._)

Brittany (_still looking sad, her soulful baby blues saying just how much_): Hi this is Brittany S. P., and welcome to Fondue for One. (_pouts_) S. P. stands for Sad Panda. Santana can't be here because she's gone to the University of Louisville to get settled on her dorm. She told me not to come because we might end up christening her dorm room with our vagina power, and that would be super awkward since her mom is with her. (_frowns as a thought occurs to her_) Which reminds me, why do guys love christening walls with pictures of their dicks? But you don't really see drawings of vaginas. Well, except for Quinn's pornographic drawing of Rachel in the bathroom during sophomore year. That was... her attention to detail was insane. I wonder if she'd seen Rachel naked? Or maybe she just took a look at herself in the mirror and just reduced everything to like, half-size? Santana says Rachel's a midget so...

(_She then experiments with dipping the bacon into another pot filled with chocolate syrup, then grimaces at the taste_)

Brittany: Speaking of Quinn, I asked her to guest here—I even tried to bribe her with bacon, but like Santana, she's getting settled at her uni. So... It's just me and Lord Tubbs, eating fondue while we ponder the answer to life's greatest mysteries. Or mysteries to me, at least.

(_she reaches for her cue cards just as a scratching noise is heard outside her door. Lord Tubbington turns his head towards it and hisses)_

Brittany: Oh, that's Santana's going-away present.(_jerks thumb to the direction of the door_) It's a dog, since I want mine to be the only pussy she owns. I get jealous easily, you see. So, all you Louisville cheerleaders, don't even think about sinking your claws into my woman (_she looks fiercely into the camera—or about as fierce she could manage—what with her puppy blue eyes and all_) On second thought, are they allowed to keep pets in their dorms there?

Brittany (_shrugs_): I have a little story. Once there was a woman who wanted bigger boobs. So she was reading the paper the other day and came across this ad about Dr. Big who could make any body part bigger than they were originally. So she goes to his clinic, and then he tells her: 'Every morning after you take a bath, you say 'Scooby dooby-doo, big boobs where are you?' in front of the mirror while doing this... (_makes circular motions across her chest_) So she did just that everyday, without fail, and after a month, she had a pair of magnificient D-cup boobs. By the way, San's are still waaaay more magnificient. However, one day she woke up late, so she hurried and when she got into a bus, she realized that she forgot to do her morning ritual. Fearing that her D-cup boobs would return to their original size, she proceeded to do it inside the bus. Afterwards, a man tapped her on the shoulder. (_lowers her voice_) 'You're a patient of Dr. Big aren't you?' (_speaks normally_) She nodded and then the man said, while pointing to his crotch: 'Hickory, dickory dock...' (_wiggles eyebrows_)

(_she chows on some bacon as if to let her little tale sink in_)

Brittany: So I was surfing the net the other day—that term baffled me too, since there aren't any waves in the net for me to ride on—well, except perhaps those electromagnetic waves which carry signals conducted through fibre-optic cables underneath the ocean floor, and I happen to read about Big Bang theory. I don't know who banged in order to create this world, but thank you anyways. You see, that bang created the universe that we live in today. Wow, talk about a banging good time.

(_Lord Tubbington leaps off her lap and starts licking at the pot of fondue, his tongue sounding like sandpaper against the steel)_

Brittany: I mean when San and I ***bleeeeeeep*** I see stars. And we all know the universe is filled with stars. The sun is a star, in case you didn't know. Ours was epic already, so you could just imagine how epically epic the Big Banging—the process that created the Big Bang of course—must be for the stars to be brought into existence and not merely tricks played in the eyes brought on by pure unadulterated carnal pleasure of ***bleep***. (_shrugs_)

Brittany: Moving on. The other day, I came across this sculpture by someone called Rodent—awful name by the way, maybe his parents were high on hashish and absinthe since that was all the rage in those days in artsy-fartsy Paris—and it's called The Thinker.

(_reaches towards her desk and shows a printed picture of the sculpture_)

Brittany (_peers at it then frowns_): Did I think that Rodent thought about naming this 'The Pooping Man'? Yes I did, since I do a lot of thinking when I do my business in the toilet as well. But then he might get laughed out of his own exhibition. The title 'The Thinker' isn't so bad when you think about it, and I guess it proves the saying 'I think therefore I am', since nothing this sculpture indeed exists, right? Although now it makes me wonder what it's thinking? Maybe it's thinking about Fermat's last theorem?

Brittany (_grins slyly at the camera_): I bet you're surprised why I know that. And I'll bet you'll even be more surprised about things that I know. (_wiggles eyebrows_) Also, based on my experience, alcohol and Calculus never mix. So you should never drink and derive. True story.

(_Brittany stands to get the fishbowl which is now filled to overflowing with rolled-up pieces of paper_)

Brittany: And now, your favourite... the reader-submitted questions. (_she shakes the bowl a little and gets one_) From teamchristiangrey... oh, you again. Everything's capitalized, am I supposed to yell? (_frowns and then clears her throat, then shouts_) HOW DARE YOU INSULT ONE OF THE GREATEST MASTERPIECES OF ENGLISH LITERATURE? (_Lord Tubbington scampers away, his ears flattened_) I AM NOT WATCHING YOUR IDIOT MELTED CHEESE SHOW EVER AGAIN... exclamation-exclamation-exclamation-exclama—you get the picture. (_smiles wryly and shrugs_)

Brittany: From iwanttobesmart: Brittany, I read somewhere that getting hit by lightning could make you smarter. You think it's alright if I head to a cornfield during a thunderstorm? (_frowns, then thinks for a moment)_ Hmm. Perhaps. First, make sure you there aren't any children on the cornfield. You don't want to be sacrificed, do you? And then, you should fly a kite. Ben Franklin totally did that and he's like a really smart person.

Brittany: From dunwannabeleft4dead: Brittany, do you think you'd make a hot zombie? Well, I think I'd make a hot anything. But I doubt I'd become a zombie. San would always protect me. She's a good shot with a rifle you see. Karofsky taught her back in the days when they were bearding.

Brittany: From perplexedPete: Brittany, what's your pot of gold? Hmm, it something that belongs to Santana actually. But definitely not what I'm sure you're thinking right now. It's a legit pot of gold. (_chuckles_) No, not really. Just a pot of chocolate eggs wrapped in a gold tinfoil that she gets from her _abuela_ every Easter. I guess it's safe to say she won't be getting one now. They still haven't made up since her _abuela_ doesn't believe in unicorns. (_looks sad for a moment_)

Brittany: From animalluvr2001: Brittany why do cats walk on four legs? (_scrunches her nose as she thinks for a moment_) Well, it would be weird if they walk on two legs, don't you think? And then what purpose would their tail serve then? They'd be like, a walking, furry tripod.

(_Santana appears inside Brittany's bedroom wearing an infinitely sluttier version of her Cards uniform. Seriously, it leaves little to the imagination and a whole bunch of lesbians die as the world shits itself. Brittany gasps in surprised_)

Brittany: You're back already? (_She claps her hands together, beaming brightly_)

Santana: Well, I told you we'll be quick. Mom and I just dropped off my requirements, so... And what the hell is this thing? (_she holds up a chewed-off phallic object between her thumb and forefinger looking disgusted_)

Brittany: Oh that? That's Lucy's rawhide teether. You didn't think it was our ***bleep*** did you?

Santana: Lucy? Lucy, who?

Brittany: Well, I guess you might want to call her Lucifer since you call yourself Satan in the comments section of this vlog, so... that'd be Lucy for short? (_quails a little at Santana's stare_) Uhm, Lucy's a dog.

Santana: ...

Brittany (_smiles sheepishly_): She's my gift to you. I think she's right outside, but I suppose I'll show you later?

Santana: I... I don't know what to say. Nobody's gotten me a pet before. Thanks babe. (_she pulls Brittany in for a hug and almost goes in for a kiss but that's when she notices the camera. She looks at it apprehensively_) What are you doing, Britts? Put on your pads!

Brittany: But I use tampons... and I don't have my period yet.

Santana (_smiles fondly_): No, silly. (_She jerks her head to Brittany's open wardrobe where a Mckinley football uniform is visible_)

Brittany: It's roleplay day? Oh my gosh, I totally forgot. You know I don't know how to read a calendar.

Santana: I'd teach you that, but there's a much more exciting lesson I'm gonna teach you today. (_smirks_) Now about this... (_she strides towards the camera and all that is visible is the word 'Cards' splashed across her chest, with a cardinal's head serving as the letter 'A', as Brittany says in the background: 'So this is Brittany S. Pierce, and that's all for today tune in next week for—' and everything goes black as Santana shuts off the camera_)

* * *

**( 52 comments – Post a new comment)**

Quinndependent: I don't want to think what would happen to 'teamchristiangrey' when San manages to track her down. May God have mercy on her.

-TeenJesus: Amen.

SatanLespez: You're a genius Brittz. That's how you know about Pierre de Fermat.

-FiercePresidentPierce: You're sweet. I love you : )

-SatanLespez: I love you too, Britt-britt.

Puckusaurus: santana u dnt even need to bend dwn n ordr 4 me 2 see ur ovaries.

HomemakerHannah: Could you make a steel wool out of a cat's tongue? It seems to be a good idea when I saw that giant cat lick that pot clean!

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: That's animal cruelty!

-FiercePresidentPierce: Animal cruelty is a form of bullying and I won't stand for it. And Lord Tubbington isn't a giant. He just has big bones.

MaribelLopez: For the one who asked whether my _hija_ Santana is related in any way to Santana the singer, I suppose you could say that. _Mi unica hija _was conceived to Carlos Santana's _Soul Sacrifice_. I have no idea why commenting for that video of my daughter and her _novia_ was disabled so I am posting here now to clarify things.

-SatanLespez: _Mami_, what in the name of God are you doing here? You know about this? I wish I hadn't taught you how to use a computer.

-MaribelLopez: Oh please, _mija_, these articles and videos are showing up all over my newsfeed. I've wanted to comment for ages but I'm always late to the party, and commenting was already disabled.

-SatanLespez: But we aren't even Facebook friends, _mami_. And please, stop reading the comments.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Sorry San, but I'm friends with your mom. And so are most of our classmates.

-MaribelLopez: That's alright, Santanita. It's not like you and Britt are being exactly subtle whenever she spends the night at our house. My ears have built quite a resistance and now my eyes are building theirs too. I think I know everything even those things I am not supposed to know. Well, what can I do, you're young, and you're impulsive. It's natural to be curious about things and act on it.

-SatanLespez: Oh God, Jesus Christ... suffice to say I'm not coming home tonight. I'll be staying at Brittz. I don't think I'd be able to ever look you in the eye again, _mami_.

-MaribelLopez: Ever since I walked in on you and Brittany playing with your Barbies in various compromising positions, I suppose I could say nothing surprises me anymore. You even buried your Ken doll in our yard which our pet dug up and choked our poor _perro_ to death.

-AsianDancerMike: Now we know why Santanita had never been given a pet before.

-SatanLespez: Oh dear God, kill me...kill me now.

-Totsexual: This is priceless! Been waiting for forevers for Mrs. L to finally comment. :)

-Quinndependent: Santanita is so cute.

-PandaExpressTina: x2!

-SatanLespez: I think I might just go on a killing spree if anyone save for my _mami_ ever calls me Santanita again!

FiercePresidentPierce: Tina, is your keyboard composed only of 'x' and '2' and '!'?

-SugarRKMotta: I'd be glad to buy you a new one, Chang.

Porcelaine: I'm surprised Santana played with Barbies at all.

-StripperBieber: Yea, I thought she'd be more into G.I. Joes. She's so interested in my action figure collection when we dated.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Or voodoo dolls.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Rachel that's racist. Just because Santana's Hispanic that doesn't mean that she's automatically associated with voodoo. Which is like originally from Haiti or somewhere else in the Carribean.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: But haven't you seen the voodoo doll she made of me last year after we lost Nationals? She even got the schnoz right.

LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: mailman, mailman, mailman!

-SugarRKMotta: Rory, why do you keep saying mailman? Even when we make out and things kind of start to get interesting, you always do that. It's annoying.

-Quinndependent: He seems to be Finn's disciple.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Finn has disciples? I thought it was the girl Joe who is Teen Jesus?

Totsexual: Hey Quinn, how's Yale?

-FrankenFinn: Why? Is she working for the padlock company?

-TeenJesus: Is she looking to upgrade the locks on the chastity belt that she's wearing?

-SatanLespez: Yeah, to protect herself from horny teenagers like you.

-FrankenFinn: How do you know she's got a chastity belt? Did you get a peek up her white cotton underpants?

-Puckusaurus: Quinn shldnt b worried abt me getting her pregnant. i got a vasectomy last yr

-SatanLespez: Good to know you removed yourself from the gene pool. I wish Finnocence would think of that too.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Now I know why you're Puckusaurus. Like the Tyrannosaurus Rex, you're gonna be extinct. No mini-Pucks running around.

-Quinndependent: B, that vision is simply horrifying.

SatanLespez: Hey Midget! Ever think of changing your username? It's an insult to all gold-star lesbians everywhere since we all know you've had Tyrannosaurus sex with Lumpy Potato Sack.

WholeLottaZizes: When Puckerman had a vasectomy, he had a lobotomy as well. His dick and his brain are the same thing.

CourageousBlaine: It sucks being a year younger than the love of my life. I miss you, Kurtiekins.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Are you sure you're only a year younger? Aren't you like, a toddler?

-SatanLespez: Keep your sappiness of the comments section, Gel-fro.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I briefly wondered if Blaine was Mr. Schue's son, but then I figured those triangular eyebrows must be hereditary. So he must have different parents. BTW I still am not convinced that unicorns wear bowties.

-Porcelaine: Damn Brittana ruining what could have been an epic exchange of sweet nothings between my beau and I.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Aren't you afraid of getting arrested for dating a minor? It's like, statue rape or something.

-CourageousBlaine: ...

-Porcelaine: ...

ItsAHollyday: Speaking of statue rape, I think I know a tale about Sweet Cheeks and a shrub in the shape of a person. That can be considered a statue, right?

-AtTheCrossRhodes: I know a tale about m'self and a gingerbread boy. Or a man masquerading as gingerbread. Or bread shaped like a man. Eh, it's all the same.

-JewfroIsrael: I know a tale about me and a pie. Ever watch American Pie?


	5. ThreeWay with Miss Holliday

**THREE-WAY WITH MISS HOLLIDAY**

**Hosted by: Brittana Lopez-Pierce ft. Holly Holliday**

(_Fondue for Two theme plays and the show opens with two blondes grinning broadly at the camera. The younger one, Brittany, is seated as usual in her swivel chair. A pair of crutches can be seen leaning against the wall on the right edge of the frame_)

Holly: Hello faithful viewers of this insanely ridiculous and addictive show! I'm Holly Holliday and welcome...welcome to Fondue for—(_hesitates visibly_)—Three. With me is the ever-adorable Brittany Susan Pierce. Her whipped, pussy-loving girlfriend—

Brittany: I've mentioned before that I love pussies too, even the non-meowing variety. (_As if on cue, Lord Tubbington waddles into the bedroom with a loud and irritated meow. He settles on the empty table, his tail thumping against the glass as he waits for the fondue_)

Holly: As I was saying, Brittany's pussy-whipped girlfriend—

Brittany (_frowns_): How does that work? And that's animal abuse, you can't go around using cats as whips. Just because there's a cat-o'-nine-tails—wait, it's possible? Right?

Holly (_her smile now strained, just waves Brittany off and continues_): Santana Lopez is still down in the kitchen preparing fondue and whatever it is they dip into it—I'm lactose-intolerant by the way so I won't be having any.

Brittany (_whispers conspiratorially_): Sometimes we dip raw meat. That was San's idea to keep Rachel from guesting on our show.

Holly (_grins_): Atta girl. (_she high-fives Britt_) Anyway, I'll be hosting the show for now, and—

(_Santana suddenly appears by the door, dressed in a neon blue duck-patterned onesie, holding a pot of fondue. She puts it on the table and is noticeably limping as she does so_)

Santana: Hold it right there Miss H. Imma forgive you for calling me whipped because—

Holly (_looking smug_): Because it's true.

Santana (_blinks_): Yeah, well, sort of. (_shrugs_) But it's also because I owe you so much for bringing Britts and I together. Granted it took a couple of months but your advice led me to finally realize the depth of my love for Brittz. All of my feelings came crashing down like a landslide until it's bigger than me, and—oof! (_Holly engulfs both of them in a bone-crushing hug_)

Holly: I'm really happy for you both. Do me a favour and stay together huh?

Brittany and Santana: Yes ma'am.

Santana: But you won't be hosting the show. We'll both be interviewing you.

Holly (_looks disappointed)_: What a shame, I've prepared some questions I want to ask you both. (_she takes out a folded piece of paper and Santana eyes it apprehensively_)

Brittany (_face brightens and one could almost see a bulb light up on top of her head_): I have an idea! We could do something like a... two-way interview.

Holly (_frowns_): But there are three of us. So let's call it... Three-way with Miss Holliday.

Santana: Wanky.

Brittany: I like it. It's got a nice ring to it.

(_Fondue for Two theme plays again, but at the end instead of Fondue for Two, the words: Three-way with Miss Holliday is splashed across the screen in neon green_)

Brittany (_flipping open a notepad_): So, what song did you lose your virginity to?

Holly: Is there always a song?

Santana (_smirks_): Isn't there?

Holly: Oh! Hmm, lemme think. That was eons ago! Phew! I think it was... Cruisin'? (_nods_) Yeah, that's it! How 'bout you two?

Brittany: I think _My Cup _is a great song to lose your virginity to, right? You're basically saying 'what's up' to your partner's cup. Though I dunno if it would be the same for boys. Perhaps it should be _My Hose._ For uh, curvy people it's not a problem I think. There's _My Humps._ (_frowns_) Anyway, me and San?

(_Santana's eyes were wide, very obviously caught off-guard. She instead dips Doritos into the pot of fondue_)

Brittany (_scrunches her nose_): I think it was the opening track to Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning? Isn't that right, San? We were having a horror movie marathon then. She was so afraid she had her face buried on my neck and before I knew it, she was kissing my neck and I had no idea horror movies make her horny so it—(_she is abruptly cut off when Santana puts her hand over her mouth. She tries to talk, but it comes off as muffled, and Holly bursts out laughing_)

Holly: Jordana Brewster starred in that film right? That woman is... hot!

Brittany: Yeah, she's in DEBS too, which is like Santana's favourite movie ever.

Holly: Such a babydyke Sweet Cheeks.

(_Santana just huffs, looking annoyed)_

Brittany: Let's talk about Voldemort. Do you think he's gay like Dumbledore? He's got a tiara if I recall correctly. And when Kurt and I dated, I saw a box of tiaras stashed in his car. Oh wait. Maybe those are Kurt's Horcruxes? (_she looks troubled, but distracts herself by dipping fries into fondue. Holly flashes Santana a look, but the latter just shrugs, obviously used to Brittany's randomness_) Anyway, Miss H, have you ever tried catching your fart with your hand and then smelling it?

Holly (_cheeks turning pink_): I... No. That's gross, why would I do that?

Brittany: Fun fact, Santana did that—caught her fart with her hand that is, and then shoved it inside the pot where her _abuela_ is cooking supper. Needless to say, they ended up ordering pizza for dinner.

Santana (_indignant_): I was nine! And anyway it's a win-win for me. Pizza is so much better. Even without the fart, my _abuela_'_s_ cooking is terrible.

Brittany: If I gave you a five hundred dollars, would you make out with Patches? Five seconds tops, but with tongue.

Holly: Patches? What kind of questions are these Britt?

Santana: Patches is the homeless guy who barks at people.

Holly: Oh well, for five hundred dollars? Sure, I guess? You?

Brittany: I won't. He's rabid. Even if I give me five hundred bucks.

Holly: Damn, I set myself up for that one, huh?

(_Santana starts humming a tune_)

Holly: I know that one! That's _Flying Purple People Eater!_

Brittany: Yep, it's a song San made up for one of our ***bleep***.

(_Santana freezes_)

Santana: No, I didn't. You included it in our infinity playlist!

Brittany: Well I thought you posted that on Youtube since I found it the same day you bought our purple ***bleep***.

Holly (_laughs_): At least I know which colour you prefer!

Brittany: In the bicorn flag, it's the middle strip, so...

Santana(_loudly_): So now I think it's time for our reader-submitted questions! (_her smile looks strained as she takes the fishbowl from the desk_)

Brittany: From confusedunicorn13: Brittany, I really, really like that girl in class I told you about. She's really sweet to me, and we're always together. Do you think it's about time that I tell her how I feel? And how do I go about doing that?

Santana: Here's howz it should go down. Invite her over to your place for movie night, pop in the _Cruel Intentions_ DVD, and when the two chicks starts getting their mack on in the middle of the movie, ask her—(_a glare from Brittany silences her. She holds up her hands looking chastised_)

Holly: Whapish!

Santana: I was kidding, of course. But that's how Brittz and I started. We were twelve. (_Brittany nods solemnly_)

Holly: You could sing a song to her. Santana did it with Britt, with my help of course, and look where they are now.

Santana: I won't be so keen on the idea since Miss H ended up hogging our duet.

Brittany: But it did help you realize that you're unicorn right?

Santana (_fondly smiles at her girlfriend_): Yes baby. (_Brittany hugs her and presses a wet kiss on Santana's cheek and they both giggle_)

Holly: Huh, never thought Sweet Cheeks has the ability to actually giggle.

(_Holly moves the camera a little bit to the right so it is focused on her. Kissy noises could be heard coming from Brittany and Santana's side of the room_)

Holly: I ought to feel like a third wheel but I don't. Honestly. Those two just look so precious. (_she draws a slip of paper from the fishbowl_) From catluvr: Where does your lap go when you stand? (_Holly cocks an eyebrow)_ What kind of question is this? Your lap is basically your thighs so it's right there.

Holly: Brittany, what makes the yolk of century eggs green? (_scoffs_) I'll be damned if I know.

(_Brittany and Santana appears on the frame—Santana trying to fix her hair as best as she could, but Brittany looks alright save for a smudge of pink at the corner of her lip; Santana's lipgloss of course_)

Brittany: I know! Well, it's been buried underground for like, a century so didn't it occur to you that it might grow molds? (_Santana nods_)

Holly: From artconnoisseur: Why doesn't the _Venus de Milo_ have arms?

Brittany: Perhaps she was holding a stick of dynamite and then it blew up, thus, she lost her arms.

Santana: I think they ran out of marble, Britt. It's obviously in high demand in those days—what with building the Parthenon and all. From maryjane420: Hey Brittana, what's your fave snack, I mean, breakfast? (_scoffs_) Cheerio of course.

Brittany: Yeah, cheerios. Only one cheerio in fact. (_she wiggles her eyebrows at Santana, who looks down, abashed_)

Holly (_rolls her eyes_): Keep it PG, guys. I know, it's like ten in the morning and people won't be opposed to be seeing you both have each other as an early lunch, but wait until I'm gone at least.

Brittany (_looking disgusted_): Eww, I'm not a zombie, Miss H. My turn. From anonimoose. I didn't know moose could type now? But oh well, Lord Tubbs could totally read so maybe moose are more advanced intellectually? (_chuckles_) So, from anonimoose: Santana Lopez, now that you're an out and proud lesbian, what do you think of the females in Mckinley? (_cocks an eyebrow sternly at Santana_)

Santana: Uh, well...

Holly (_smirking_): That's a really good question. Let's start with the glee club.

Santana: Well, first of all, I'm not like Puck who usually bangs anyone who wears a skirt. Girls in glee club are okay. Well, yeah, they're all hot in their—(_frowns when she notices Brittany staring at her_) Uhm, can I beg off answering that question? (_she instead busies herself with rearranging the things laid out on the table_)

Brittany: I think that's enough for today. So, tune in next week for our show. I think San here will teach you and me how to cook fondue before she goes to Louisville, (_lowers voice, looking regretful_) since during my first attempt, I succeeded in burning the pot. Not the cheese. Just the pot.

(_in the background, Santana could be seen cleaning up. Lord Tubbington hisses at her as she lifts the now empty pot and piles the empty saucers into it_)

Holly: You shouldn't be allowed near a stove.

Brittany: My mom said the same thing, but whatevs, Miss H. So, see y'all next week. This is Britt Pierce, signin' off. PS I'll be running for my second-term as class president against a toddler—can you believe it?—so please vote for me. I'm eighteen going on seventeen and therefore I've acquired the wisdom of the ages. (_she beams brightly then blows a kiss into the camera and everything fades to black_)

* * *

**( 50 comments – Post a new comment)**

Puckusaurus: tana its bin 3 days snce roleplay day nd ure stil limping. i take it britt wore u out? sch a stud btw haha

-SatanLespez: No, she took me for a ride yesterday. Please leave your fantasies out of this!

-Puckusaurus: so she rode u hard. thx 4 d visuals as usual

-Porcelaine: Never thought I'd say this, but that's just wanky.

-SatanLespez: To clarify things, the ride was on Britt's dirt bike, idiots! And then we sort of crashed.

-FiercePresidentPierce: True story. See those crutches just leaning against the wall on the beginning of the video? I'm using them. Twisted my ankle yesterday.

-SatanLespez: Sorry Brittz. All my fault. You were sort of distracted.

-Quinndependent: San can't keep her hands to herself as usual.

-SatanLespez: Could you blame me? Brittz just looked so hot in her gear.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Our injuries can't compare to what happened to the others. One is currently in a medically induced coma at Lima Gen, and another lost a couple of teeth when he crashed, not to mention a broken femur. He may never ride again.

-SatanLespez: Serves them right. Perving on Brittz and I.

-Puckusaurus: did u hve sex n d locker rum? y/y?

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Noah, just because Santana has gained confidence in her sexuality doesn't mean it is alright to objectify her or her girlfriend. It's offensive and demeaning.

FiercePresidentPierce: I have the audio of Santana saying 'wanky' over and over. Her bedroom voice is totally sexy. **(1 mp3 file attached)**

-santananumbahonefan: Omg so sexy i cant! My ovaries are strewn all over the living room! Ahhhh!

-FiercePresidentPierce: That's gross.

Porcelaine: When Britt and I dated way back sophomore year, I took her to the Lima theatre to see 'The Ring of the Nibelungs'. She spent the better part of the show clutching at my arm while looking out for Sadako.

FiercePresidentPierce: Kurt, are the tiaras your Horcruxes?

-CourageousBlaine: Britt, Kurt's not the Dark Lord.

-SatanLespez: More like Gay Lord.

-FiercePresidentPierce: How would you know, Blaine? You're only a toddler. Oh wait... are you The Boy Who Lived?

GorillaDave: Did you know that Ian Mckellen, the guy who plays Gandalf in _The Lord of the Rings_ is gay irl?

-SatanLespez: Brand new information! No, srsly, Paul Bunyan, are you just now discovering the interwebz? He wasn't called Gandalf the Ghey for nothing.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Aww, San, don't tease him. I don't want Dave to become a zebra now that he's a unicorn. He's still growing his horn, you know.

SatanLespez: Hey Berry, did you know that a movie about you is in the works? It's _The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey_.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Haha, really funny Santana.

-FrankenFinn: Santana, will you please stop making fun of Rach? Rachel's not a hobbit. She may be tiny but she hasn't got hairy feet. She shaves her legs you know.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: ...

-SatanLespez: ROFLMAOLOL HAHAHAHA

-FrankenFinn: And you're not even that tall yourself.

-LuckyCharmerLeprechaun: Wicked burn!

Totsexual: And there Finn goes, making everything ten times worse... for him and Rory.

-PandaExpressTina: It's the first Rach and Finn have interacted since... they broke up. And I'm seeing a pattern here. Finn only ever breaks up with his gfs in a car.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I see Sugar bought you a new keyboard Tina. : )

Puckusaurus: nvr thot a onesie cud b sexy.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I know right? Easier to take off too. However, it's such a bitch to put back on when in a hurry like that one time my mom nearly walked in on us and ***censored for mature content***

-SatanLespez: B, you know my _madre_ lurks here right?

-FiercePresidentPierce: Oh, she knows San. She totally saw you munching the shit out of my carpet like there's no tomorrow. I wasn't able to stop you because... y'know. I also won't forget that day since it's the same time that the myth that ethnic people don't blush has been busted since your mom turned redder than Rudolph's nose.

-SatanLespez: _Dios mio_.

-StripperBieber: So carpet munching is a euphemism for ***censored***. Childhood ruined. That's an episode of _Cow and Chicken_ I won't be able to get out of my mind.

-FiercePresidentPierce: That's where I learned it actually. Who says cartoons aren't educational?

SatanLespez: Hey Berry, when you become a famous Broadway star, I think you should have your own clothing line

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Why, I'm flattered Santana. I'm glad you believe as much as I do that I'd be famous one day.

-SatanLespez: I'm not done typing yet. Brittz keeps interrupti

-SugarRKMotta: You should call your clothing line 'Tinderella'. When you see it, you're going to want to set fire on it, like tinder. Sorry, Asperger's.

-SatanLespez: Hahaha Sugz, if it weren't for Brittz, I'm gonna marry you for that comment alone!

-SugarRKMotta: Sorry, Santana, I know I'm hot and everybody wants a piece of the Locamotta, but I'm not of the lesbian persuasion. Not Asperger's!

JewfroIsrael: Brittany, are you still going for Topless Tuesdays? Well then you have my vote!

-Pervyperve: It sucks that we don't have class on Saturdays. Socks-only Saturdays should be an option.

-StripperBieber: In the strip club I formerly worked at, we have Socky Sundays. And Red Hot Chili Peppers totally did that, so why not?

TeenJesus: I think I might have to exorcise my laptop.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! As always, please review.**

**I'll also be updating The Hunter and The Serf in a few hours.**


	6. BrittBritt's WILD Summer

**Sorry for not updating in 2 weeks! I was so busy at school and our thesis defence is coming up so it took most of my time and energy. **

**Anyways, how cute was Heather in the premiere? Sucked they didn't show Santana though. I needs my Naya fix.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**BRITT-BRITT'S W.I.L.D. SUMMER **

**by: Brittany S. Pierce**

**09-15-2012 656, 414 views**

_Note:_

_(W.I.L.D. - What I Learned During. I meant this academically of course since I think San and I have learned all that we need to learn regarding... you know)_

_Apologies to all my faithful viewers, I cannot shoot Fondue for Two today so I'm just writing an article to tide you over until I could get my camera repaired._

_Perhaps you're wondering why. Well, I know for a fact that one cannot scissor with a webcam (one might get electrocuted or one might cut oneself a new vagina because of the razor-thin laptop screen) so I figured I'd scissor the cam instead and send the video to my girlfriend, Santana. I'd define scissoring, complete with pictures but Cracked tells me this article might get an NSFW rating. (I wonder why it would be rated as 'Not So Funny Work' though?) But anyway, if you didn't know that, just head over to urbandictionary and type 'scissoring' into the search bar._

_Where was I?_

_Oh, right, my camera. As you can see I attempted to scissor it. But then it suddenly shut down and it was all sticky and __***censored***__. It was kinda hard to explain to my dad though, but I told him my cat Charity and I were doing a cooking show in our kitchen (Lord Tubbs was off-limits since he always ends up chomping on the ingredients even though he's on Atkins) and my camera dropped from the shelf crushing those poor chicken houses, otherwise known as eggs. I tried hard to clean it up though, but there were still some remnants._

_In other news, this article has another section below entitled, Question the Queerios. It's for our reader-submitted questions and my hot Lebanese girlfriend assisted me in answering some of them._

_Anyway this note has dragged on too long and my Cracked editor is demanding me to get on with the article._

_P.S. By the way, my middle name up there? S means Super. I'm also thinking of getting the first letter of my last name changed to F so it's going to read as Brittany Super Fierce. What do you guys think?_

So as you know, I'm a super senior, even though I've applied to Purdue and got accepted. It turned out I need to have a grade higher than 0.0 GPA in order to be able to leave the hallowed halls of McKinley High. I'm not bitter about it, and I actually think it's awesome that I get to do a do-over of senior year. (I'll be running for Class President again, so be sure to vote for me.)

However, what's not awesome is being away from Santana. I know Louisville is like a couple of hours from here, but it still sucked. I promised San and myself that I'd graduate this year, so I did a bit of summer reading. Here are my thoughts on some of them.

**5. Leithold's The Calculus 7**

I skimmed most of it since it's all about differentiation. The equations are all different anyway so why would I need to do that? It doesn't make sense. Anyway, this was for some light summer reading because I need to do some Lorentz transformation in order to figure out the right velocity for me to be able to create a rip in the fabric of space-time continuum so that it would bend into itself like a Mobius strip and allow me to travel back in time.

I briefly considered building a rocket instead and driving into a black hole, since I suppose you'd be able to travel back in time because its escape velocity is higher than the speed of light. So I guess everything's possible at such high speeds? But I ended up getting sucked in Santana's black hole instead. Which was even more amazing. And I don't need a rocket driving licence in order to get there. :)

I also recently found out that that Sugar Motta kid drives a DeLorean? I might have to ask her for some spare parts for my time machine. Well, she's my TT homegirl so I suppose it won't be a problem.

**4. Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening**

I wonder why someone would write about doing this? It's like the worst advice ever. Oh, it was written by Robert Frost? Is he the Iceman? I figured because only he would be able to do that, otherwise, you'd die of frostbite and hypothermia.

**3. Monkey's Paw**

This story really creeped me out. I mean, why would you carry around a monkey's foot for good luck? It looks suspiciously like an infant's and you might get accused of murder or something. Well, not a human infant, but like, a hobbit infant I think. A human's foot won't be _that_ hairy, I suppose. I know in the story it grants wishes, kinda like a lamp, but way creepier and I bet stinkier too, and I won't be caught dead with that. People might think I used my time machine and travelled back in time to murder Rachel or something. I don't like her very much, but I won't go so far as to kill her even if I had the means to do it, and FYI, my time machine isn't finished yet.

Anyway, as I was saying, if you want to be lucky, you have a rabbit's paw for that. I think it'd be cuter if you have it on a keychain, kinda like a talisman? But still I'd be opposed to that, it's animal cruelty and animal cruelty is a form of bullying, only worse, since animals are sentient beings and can't think for themselves. Also, how could you do that to adorable bunnies?

**2. The Stranger**

I thought this was made into a movie starring the daughter of that guy from Aerosmith. I couldn't believe that too, I was more inclined to believe that she was the daughter of our nation's 10th president, you know, John Tyler, even if he was like, dead for over a century now?

Santana said she wanted to getz her existentialism onz (she's real smart, that woman), so we downloaded this movie off of piratebay and it turned out not to be a movie based on Albert Camus's work but a scary film with killers that wore paper bags over their heads. I wonder why they didn't end up suffocating themselves?

Anyway, we ended up not watching the whole movie so thankfully I won't be able to spoil the ending for you since, if you watched the previous Fondue for Two episode with Miss H, you'd know that horror movies make Santana super horny so we ended up ***censored***.

**1. Metamorphosis**

I totally envy Gregor Samsa here since he's a human spider. If I were to suddenly wake up as a human spider like he was, I think that would be so convenient with San away on Louisville. Even though we've been practicing having phone sex, I still have trouble keeping track of my limbs. I don't know why it bothers San so much, we're fantasizing anyway. Right? Wouldn't it be cool to have sex with a half-human half-animal/insect since it provides the added bonus and use of extra appendages? Those unions are all the rage in the olden days, I've heard. I mean did you know that Zeus took the form of a swan and seduced a human in order to father Hercules? And I'm sure I'd make a hot, blonde spider.

**Question the Queerios**

**by: Brittana Lopez-Pierce**

_questune asked: If a young cat is called a kitten, what do you call a young mutt?_

A mitten.

_Jenny298 asked: My baby sister won't stop sucking her thumb even though she's almost four now. What do I do?_

Do I seem to be the mothering type? Well, you should totally dip that kid's thumb in hot sauce. See how she likes it. _Mi_ _abuela_ totally did that to me. I was two.

_Curiousmonkeyrat asked: Why are monkeys portrayed as banana-loving animals?_

Maybe they're gay? I dunno. I'm quite convinced elephants are gay too since they love nuts.

_Myunderboobsaremagnificient asked: I think my washing machine is possessed. How do I exorcise it?_

Have you tried having sex on the washing machine while you're running the dryer? It's awesome. Like a hundred vibrators or an earthquake with really high-frequency S-waves.

Oh, to answer your question, use holy water next time. Right, San?

_Catluvr291: Why do cats love licking themselves?_

They're a bunch of lesbians. If you didn't know, they're the world's first pussy-lickers.

* * *

**( 44 comments – Post a new comment)**

Porcelaine: Oh, so now it makes sense why Dave dressed up as a gorilla for Valentine's! Thanks Britt.

FiercePresidentPierce: San, we're like a CLOVER.

-SatanLespez: How so, Britt-britt? I miss you :(

-FiercePresidentPierce: Well, I'm like the 'C' and you're the 'R' and there's LOVE between us. I miss you too baby. So. Freakin. Much.

-SatanLespez: That's so sweet baby. Skype now?

-FiercePresidentPierce: Sure!

-Totsexual: Aww!

-Quinndependent: You both are saps! Sweet!

-SugarRKMotta: *sigh* Their love is legendary.

FiercePresidentPierce: Question for everyone: Why is it that when doctors operate, they wear gloves?

-Azeemio: so tht wen d patient dies they wont leave fngrprnts, that it?

AsianDancerMike: My dad wants me to become a surgeon.

-FrankenFinn: So you could make caviar?

-AsianDancerMike: Lolwat

-FiercePresidentPierce: Finn, caviar is from a sturgeon—not surgeon. And I thought you'd know that since, being Finn, you're part-fish. You really need to brush up on your ancestry.

StripperBieber: So I was randomly reading Shakespeare today, and I wonder why they keep saying 'sayeth'. Or adding –eth randomly at the end. I tried it and I sounded like I was speaking in Parseltongue.

-SatanLespez: And now I'm imagining a snake with big-ass lips. *shudders*

FiercePresidentPierce: Finn, are you drilling your sergeant?

-SatanLespez: Wanky.

-FrankenFinn: Huh?

-FiercePresidentPierce: I can't believe it. Principal Figgins shot down my idea of drilling for babies but in the army it's alright to drill your sergeant? It doesn't make sense.

-FrankenFinn: Britt, I'm not gay or anything.

-FiercePresidentPierce: What does being a unicorn had to do with it? And I didn't ask, so you don't have to tell.

FiercePresidentPierce: When San was nine her parents stopped bringing her to church with them. It was because she developed the habit of scaring little children off, you know those kids who liked to stare? They creep her out. So she started creeping them out as well. She'd smile at them like the little miss Sunday best she was and then without warning she'd pull a face.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Santana's biopic would be entitled: Diary of a Misanthropic Kid.

-SatanLespez: Oh hi everyone my name's Rachel Berry and my vocabulary is bigger than me!

-SatanLespez: Btw I did all that for shits and giggles. Well, literally. Like, the kids would shit their diapers and I'll giggle.

-Porcelaine: +

-FiercePresidentPierce: That's rude Kurt. And also wrong. San isn't a vampire so that won't work against her.

CourageousBlaine: Kurt and I are very vanilla when it comes to sex.

-Porcelaine: *pales* Blaine, you don't have to go posting about that here!

-FrankenFinn: Me and rach too. Before we broke up.

-FiercePresidentPierce: Oh cool! Me and San are into vanilla sex too. I mean, both of us take turns licking vanilla ice cream off each other. So that's vanilla sex right?

-Puckusaurus: woah gotta store tht n my wank bank!

-SatanLespez: Finnocence, spell vanilla. Mmh-hmm that's right. Spelling V-A-N-I-L-L-A lasts longer than actual sex with you.

-FiercePresidentPierce: I thought Finn and Rachel are into Tyrannosaurus sex? Or is it Fish sex? Wait how do fishes have sex? I couldn't find it in Encarta.

GorillaDave: Hey Britt, I think I know why you crashed your dirt bike last week. It's two-tired.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Tofu is the best thing since wheat bread!

-SatanLespez: Oh, so now that you're single, you're back on a meat-free diet.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: What does being single have to do with my being vegan? I've always been on a meat-free diet Santana.

-FiercePresidentPierce: But didn't Finn trick you into eating his meat?

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Oh yes, well, I regurgitated it afterwards anyway.

-SatanLespez: HAHAHAHAHA

-FiercePresidentPierce: I thought you don't have a gag reflex?

* * *

**So, I'll be turning 21 next week at the same time as Britney 2.0 airs, (and yeah, my body is ready for that) so how about an early birthday present in the form of a review? :)**

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Flowers in the Attic: A Book Review

**Thanks to all those who reviewed! And sorry for the wait.**

**Let it be known that I haven't read this book—I only got the summary from wikipedia. However, I am familiar with the material as I've read Seeds of Yesterday, the fourth book, but that was six years ago. All mistakes are mine.**

* * *

**FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC: A BOOK REVIEW**

**by Brittany Unicorn Pierce**

Mrs. Hagberg is a really weird teacher, but like good weird. Last year she told everyone that Hitler wrote the Bible and its original title was _Mein Kampf_. I'm pretty sure that's not what I learned during Sunday school, but I can't really remember since San and I hardly attended them. Anyways, Mrs. H had to take a mandatory leave but now everything's fine and dandy... or is it? Maybe she's already showing signs of dementia, although I don't really get that since she isn't floating around wearing a hood and kissing people and sucking off their souls, right? Oh hey, Mrs. H, if you actually read our book reviews, that was a really good costume suggestion for Halloween, though now that I think about it, I haven't really seen a pudgy dementor, have I? Well, there's a first time for everything, I guess.

Anyways for English, she asked us to do a book review, and did I mention previously that I've done a lot of summer reading? I was about to post a review of The Calculus 7 so I texted Santana first if that would be alright. However it's been eight hours and nearly one in the morning and she hasn't replied yet, and I know she's really busy so I just asked Kiki. She said it was the worst idea I've ever had. I like it that Kiki's really frank and honest, and she reminds me of the mirror in _Snow White and the Huntsman_, minus the creepiness.

So I dug around and found this book, Flowers in the Attic.

At first I thought it was a book about gardening and growing your own plants—stupid title by the way since the attic hardly gets any sunlight, unless you have a skylight built into it. And anyway who would want to climb all the way up there just to see the flowers bloom? Not to mention it's gonna be a nightmare for your plumbing works, and also, sprinklers would wreak havoc on your rafters.

Basically, Flowers in the Attic (from hereon referred to as FITA) is about siblings with an unpronounceable last name. I just refer to them as Doppelgangers, since it's easier, and also more familiar. Their father died and they're in the brink of poverty (which I think is weird since don't they have anything to inherit from their father?) so their mother, Corinne, writes a letter to their grandma, Olivia, and asks her whether they could live with her in Virginia. She tells them they could, as long as the children are kept hidden. Corinne then tells them their last name is Foxworth. I wish she had told us—I meant, the reader earlier—so I didn't get my tongue all twisted with their Doppelganger name.

So they come to Virginia, then weird shit transpires and we find out that the siblings' parents were half-uncle and niece. Weird shit. Though this makes me wonder, if they were inbred how come they were all described as beautiful? I learned in Biology class that continuous inbreeding would lead to an increase of negative characteristics that would be present in the offspring since the genes are too similar. We all know what happened to the Spanish Habsburgs, particularly to their last King, Charles II. He was described as severely deformed and mentally retarded, and also sterile. How do I know these? Well, last year, I always helped Santana prepare for exams and every time she got a correct answer, she's rewarded with sweet lady kisses. ;)

Man, I got sidetracked by that mini-History lesson.

Anyways, to make reading more fun, I'm starting a drinking game. Mrs. H, you could totally do this while you're grading our papers, It's gonna be more fun this way, I'm sure.

So, rules. For every 'weird shit' that happens I'll just take a drink. And if I ever read the phrase 'flaxen hair' or the children are described as 'Dresden dolls' again, I think I'll just down the entire bottle of Jack. That is all. I hope to get hammered before I finish this book.

Where was I?

Oh right. Well, I forgot to mention their names. Chris is the firstborn, Cathy, second then the twins, Cory and Carrie. The author loves her alliterations, eh? The children get locked up in the attic and the twins stopped growing because they're like plants who totally need sunlight to grow, and Cathy practices ballet while Chris is teaching himself to become a doctor by reading books. I'm sure he needs to like, go to college or something to become a doctor, like Santana's dad, though. It's like a never-ending game of House with Cathy and Chris as the parents, and pretty soon, they hit puberty.

Cathy grows breasts and Chris accidentally perves on her while she's admiring her naked self, gosh, this is veering into NC-17 territory, is this alright, Mrs. H? Olivia sees them and calls them 'sinners'. Because of this, their grandma stops bringing them food so the children experiment with vampirism. Chris offers his blood to his siblings. Weird shit.

Time passes and then their mom returns with a new husband in tow—referred to as a 'trophy' husband—you know for a family of religious nuts that the Foxworths are they sure have no qualms marrying trophies, haven't they?

Weird shit happens again. Cathy and Chris are becoming sexually attracted to one another. I don't think I can finish this book. I mean, I do a lot of stuff with San, but I just can't read about two siblings getting it on. Sorry Mrs. Haggy, but I'm too drunk to finish it now.

Need I say it again? Weird shit.

(P.S. I really hope I get an F for this one, as in F for FIERCE. And I'm really fierce for giving this book a try. xo )

**ETA: Oops. I didn't mean to post this here. But people have already commented. So there.**

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**( 56 comments – Post a new comment)**

SatanLespez: Britt, those books are pretty intense.

TotSexual: Hey Quinn, how's Yale?

***FiercePresidentPierce changed his/her username to ItsBrittanyBitch***

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Yale is in Connecticut right? It doesn't make sense. Why would anyone connect something only to cut it afterwards?

***SatanLespez changed his/her username to ImBrittanysBitch***

-ImBrittanysBitch: Aww, Britt, you'll always be the President of my heart. And no, I don't agree with Kiki. I'm not the hottest bitch. I'm the luckiest bitch 'cuz I'm dating the hottest person in the planet. :)

-ItsBrittanyBitch: And you're my First Lady ;) Always. I wish you'd get your perfectly round ass here soon. I miss you :(((

-ImBrittanysBitch: I'm sorry baby, but I'm really busy right now. I promise I'd make it up to you as soon as my sched allows me. Love you. Always.

StripperBieber: Ha! You're so whipped!

-Puckusaurus: couldn't agree more biebs! haha

Brittbrittfan: Where's Question the Queerios? Sad panda. :(

-ItsBrittanyBitch: You could post all your questions here! I was supposed to post a video of Fondue for Two with me and Kiki but idk what happened. I think there was some techno burnout thing. Imma have to reshoot the whole thing.

-StripperBieber: Have I ever told you you're so adorable?

-ImBrittanysBitch: Hey Fish Lips, consider this a warning. A little birdie told me you were canoodling with Brittz during that snoozefest of a victory party at BreadStiX. Hit on my girl, and I'd be sure to hit you on the crown jewels and I'm sure there won't be any Trouty fingerlings in the future, we clear?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Calm down San. I'm pretty sure even if I kiss Sam, he won't turn into a prince. I've done that right? During Rachel's trainwreck extravaganza. He's always going to be froggy lips, and you're already a princess ;)

Quinndependent: I'm good, Cedes! Thanks for asking! Btw, replying here cos the thread you started got overtaken by Brittana sapfest. Not that I'm complaining, they're cute.

KittyPerry: Brittany is so gentle I doubt she could tear her way out of a paper bag. I wonder what she had in her that had attracted Santana Lopez as a fly to a shit.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Crack a joke about my girlfriend again, 40-year old virgin and I'd crack your arthritic bones!

-KittyPerry: I'm HALF a virgin, thank you very much.

Chase1243: Question for Brittany: Why do people say grow some balls?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: I tried that. Planted some ping pong balls in my yard, watered them every day, but nothing happened. None of them grew.

-AtTheCrossRhodes: That saying has always baffled me. Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. They can take a pounding for sure.

ImBrittanysBitch: If it weren't for those damned Cheerios uniforms, I might have scored myself a Vogue intenrnship.

-Totsexual: Fitting. The Devil Wears Pride flag and Cossack hats.

-ImBrittanysBitch: I am not that gay yet, Wheezy!

-Porcelaine: That's another great title for a musical, 'Cedes!

WholeLottaZizes: How do you know if you're unpopular?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: People get your e-mail, not to add you on Facebook, but to send one of those chain messages with horrifying consequences. Uh, I think?

MaribelLopez: _Mija_, what's this about a sextape that was repeatedly mentioned in the previous articles?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Mrs. L, that's just the video of Lord Tubbington and Charity engaging in relations of a sexual nature.

-Quinndependent: You totally sounded like Berry for a moment there, B.

-ImBrittanysBitch: _Si_, she's gonna submit it to National Geographic. They're really interested in Lord Tubbington. And his affairs with the members of the female persuasion.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: True dat.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Word. :)

-IAmKatieFierce: Wasn't that the time I saw you two going at it like bunnies?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Katie, stop saying things like that!

-ImBrittanysBitch: We were acting that time!

-IAmKatieFierce: What were you acting huh? The plot of a bad porn movie?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Katie, you're 10! You weren't supposed to know those things!

-TotSexual: Wow.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: A New York breakfast of bacon and eggs with Finn! I haven't had eggs in a long time that I've forgotten their heavenly taste!

-Porcelaine: A moment of silence for your veganism.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: But you've always had eggs right? Even when you were dating Finn? And now, Kurt had mentioned to me that you were sorta seeing this Brody guy.

-FrankenFinn: ...

-Porcelaine: Oops.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Your mind is always in the gutter, Britt. It's no wonder you failed senior year.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Oh no, you didn't! I am booking myself a flight to New York right this moment! And with the kind of neighbourhood you live in, nobody's gonna think twice about the horrific murder of a big-nosed Barbra Streisand wannabe from hell!

-ItsBrittanyBitch: I was gonna say, 'Calm down, San' but that's really hot.

StonerBrett2012: A poor rat was sat on by a cat. It died. Who was the cat?

-ArtieDaBadassMC: Lord Tubbington.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Artie, you know Lord Tubbs? And Brett, LT can't do that. He's afraid of mice.

-ArtieDaBadasaaMC: Of course, I always saw him hanging around your room back when we dated, remember?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: We dated?

-ImBrittanysBitch: Legit cackling right now!

PhoebePierce: Peace. Love. Rock 'n Roll. We're checking out this nudist colony in Tribeca. You want to come with us, B?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Mom!

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Oh, you mentioned Tribeca? I think San would like to come with you!

ImmaSickDuck: Thx 4 last nyt Blaine. I admit, the experience was kinda bland. But I guess I shoulda expected that, Blanderson.


	8. Halloween Shenanigans

**As you can see I updated my other fic a few hours ago, but this fic begged to be updated as well. It won't let me sleep! So here I am, awake for more than 24 hours, a slave to my writing muse. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!**

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**Halloween Shenanigans 2011**

**EDITOR'S NOTE: Some parts of the video NSFW and may land you in jail as they are minors.**

(_Show opens with Brittany sitting on her favourite armchair, holding a bunch of index cards. A humongous 70-ounce Lima Bean cup is perched on her desk, but now holds a plant with yellowed leaves. However, it is dwarfed by a magnificent bouquet of yellow roses_)

BRITTANY: So a few weeks ago, Santana sang Taylor Swift's 'Mine' to me in the choir room and then afterwards, promptly broke up with me—or as she put it, unofficially broke up with me. (_mimes air-quotes_) At first, I was more sad than angry, because, who does that? Who sings their girlfriend a really sweet song and then breaks up with them just because they had an energy exchange with another similarly-inclined person? I have energy exchanges with Tubbs all the time—mainly through staring contests. (_lowers her voice_) Spoiler: He always wins 'cuz he's a cat. (_speaks normally again_) But then the next day, before she went back to Louisville she dropped by and told me that the breakup was her idea of an April Fools' joke, which she totally thought is gonna work since I don't know how to read the calendar, but unfortunately it didn't, since I was born on the first of April. Therefore, she didn't fake-breakup with me on my birthday. I won't forget my birthday, duh, but apparently, she did. I smiled, told her all was well, no hard feelings, yada, yada. And then though it was a bit uncharacteristic of me, I acted kinda cold towards her since I wanted her to make it up to me. So that's why she's been sending these bouquets of yellow roses, every day, without fail.

(_She gestures grandly to several other bouquets lying elsewhere, some have wilted and have turned brown_)

BRITTANY: I stopped watering my plant so its leaves would match the colour of those roses. (_smiles_)

BRITTANY: (_shuffles some index cards in her hands before turning back to the camera_): So for this post on my column here at Cracked, I was supposed to have an episode of Fondue for Two with Kiki. You know Kiki, right? In order to avoid copyright issues with Apple, as I don't have a million dollars... (_thinks for a moment_) After my time-machine project, a cloning machine is next so I'd be able to totally clone money and other things... although I might get jealous if I clone me and other mes would get their hands on Santana, but now that I think about it, I think it'd be a good idea if I clone Santana. A Santana orgy would be heaven, and living in a Santana village would be waaay better than living in Happyville. (_looks away dreamily_,_ then turns sadly back towards the camera_ _and pouts briefly_) I miss her. (_sighs and then glares at the camera_) I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot. I know you're watching this.

BRITTANY: Where was I? Oh, yeah, so like I said, I wanted to avoid copyright issues with Apple and with Tom Cruise's daughter as well so I renamed Siri tee-em, as Kiki. I tinkered with her algorithm so she's specifically designed to cater to my awesomeness. (_waves her iPhone_)

BRITTANY (_mumbles_): Man, I keep going off on a tangent.

(_footage switches to show Brittany, now sitting cross-legged on the bed. Several notches could be seen on one bedpost_)

BRITTANY: Those notches there? They don't stand for the people I had sex with. Instead, they represent all the sex positions San and I had tried from my mom's _Kama Sutra_. (_she instantly turns pink_) Oops, I don;t think Santana would appreciate me telling you that.

_(footage switches again to show Brittany standing by the window_)

BRITTANY: As I was saying, that video of me and Kiki doing Fondue for Two is no more. I suspect shenanigans by the Nyan cat, by the way. But I'm not gonna reshoot the whole thing. So instead, here's a treat for all of you: Bitchtown Express Halloween Extravaganza 2011 that I luckily managed to film. This party was a polar opposite of Rachel Berry's Trainwreck Extravaganza two years before. But before we roll the tape, a little backstory.

(_Brittany walks towards the camera and sets it down on the tripod facing her favourite armchair_)

BRITTANY: If you aren't senile, you may remember that my girlfriend, Santana Lopez has been brutally outed by a person whom we shall hide under the alias, Hinn Fudson. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she's going to host a Halloween party at her house. At first I thought she's gonna pull a stunt similar to what is in that novel by Stephen King called 'Carrie' because hello, my uncle has a farm and pigs aren't in short supply. Except that Hinn Fudson would be alone onstage so that he's gonna be bathed in pig's blood with the added bonus of the metal bucket dropping on his thick skull, killing him instantly like it killed that guy in the book. Rachel may be annoying but I don't want her to lose her mind if she was drenched in blood 'cuz she's vegan. Anyways, San told me 'no, nothing like that, B, not at all.' To be honest she looked mildly horrified that my thoughts suddenly turned gruesome and morbid, because that's what happens when I suddenly decide to stop talking. That's why I'm doing this, it's like therapy. But it's not going to cost my parents thousands of dollars.

BRITTANY (_bends closer to the camera, lowers her voice conspiratorially_): So as part of my self-imposed therapy, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. (_whispers_) I sometimes fantasize suddenly snapping and then going off on everyone—like a shopping spree, but murder. (_frowns_) yeah, I know that's bad but when San was outed I think I was even more stressed out than she is and believe it or not, everytime we're in the choir room, I imagine scenarios wherein I kill Finn Hud—sorry, Hinn Fudson in his sleep, But anyway, that fantasy of mine would never come true as what I had achieved is just become a Cereal killer. (_smirks_) Geddit, Cereal Killer?

BRITTANY: Yes, I'm aware that that pun has been around for like, a century? Ever since Kellogg was born I think. But you know how serial killers have certain methods, or M.O.'s as they call it in those cop shows with Sarah Shahi that Santana fangirls over. When eating my cereal, Lucky Charms by the way, I have my M.O. too and I call it "Divide and Conquer". First I separate the marshmallows from the other stuff, and then I eat the other stuff first, then the marshmallows. I always miss first period because of my M.O., so part of the reason I failed senior year.

BRITTANY (_sheepishly smiles_): Now before I bore you all with my rambling (_mumbles something unintelligible but the words 'Fake Breakup' can be heard clearly_) Roll the tape. Oops, one last thing. I probably should cut out the bit at the end, but I got a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time so I forgot how to do that.

* * *

(_the camera repeatedly zooms in and out of a framed picture of a curly-haired girl, every article of clothing bright pink, grinning broadly as she sits on a bike, also pink, complete with tassels on the handlebars)_

BRITTANY(_voice laced with adoration_): San is a really cute kid.

(_heavy footsteps down the stairs can be heard and the camera zooms in on a Santana—dressed head to toe in black leather. She had fake piercings all over her face, along with thick black eyeliner. She did something to her hair so that it was styled into some sort of a Mohawk. She looks really hot—and really butch. Brittany appears on the frame as she walks towards Santana, wearing the McKinley High football uniform.)_

BRITTANY: I'm not Asian enough to be Miriam Wu.

SANTANA (_amused):_ Britt, you're as white as they come. Miriam wasn't Lisbeth's girlfriend. They were merely fuck buddies.

BRITTANY: Still... Don't look at Tina like that, huh?

(_Santana chokes on her drink a bit and quickly dissolves into a coughing fit. Brittany quickly rubs circles on her back)_

BRITTANY: Sorry.

SANTANA (_in a strained voice): _It's alright. Vodka is unsurprisingly painful coming out of your nose. Shouldn't have started early.

BRITTANY: Sorry, I wasn't. (_laughs nervously) _You know how I am. I say things I don't mean.

SANTANA (_grins_): I know Brittz. And besides, Brittana has a better ring on it. Compared to Santina.

(_Brittany draws closer to Santana wearing a smirk and a mischievous glint in her blue eyes_)

BRITTANY (_voice husky_): That's right. Brittana forever and ever. What do you say we cancel the party and we get it on over that pool table? I'll be the blonde Miriam Wu to your Hispanic Lisbeth Salander.

(_Santana visibly swallows and she grabs the camera from the tripod and sets it down on the coffee table so that only their calves are visible. Brittany draws ever closer until their legs—and bodies—are flush against one another. Kissy noises can be heard and the rustle of clothing as if it is being removed. However, a door slams somewhere in the house and the moment is destroyed.)_

* * *

(_Finn arrives with Rachel. He is dressed in tattered clothing with an angry red handprint on his cheek. Rachel is in a white gown, wearing a little tiara and pointy ears. Her big schnoz and the pointy ears are NOT a good combination)_

BRITTANY (_outraged)_: Finn that is way over the top! Santana didn't slap you that hard!

SANTANA: Yeah, Snix did. Don't play the victim card here.

FINN (_confused)_: Uh, I'm not. I'm dressed as an Uruk-Hai.

_(Santana smirks triumphantly_)

BRITTANY (_frowning):_ And who are you supposed to be, Rachel? The Witch from Hansel and Gretel?

(_Rachel huffs and glares at her)_

BRITTANY: Uh, The White Witch of Narnia had a lovechild with Pinocchio? (_Rachel was about to stomp off but Brittany grabbed her arm_) C'mon Rach, you're not giving me much to work here.

SANTANA : Berry finally acknowledged her roots in Middle-Earth. She's trying to dress up as Arwen, who we know is half-Elven. Unfortunately, her version is half-dwarf, half-hobbit.

BRITTANY (_to Finn, frowning)_: I didn't think she'd come in an actual costume since her everyday clothes are costumes anyway. You know, Israeli Pippi Longstocking?

* * *

(_Kurt descends the stairs to the basement, dressed in a garish red and blue outfit of a toy soldier. Brittany immediately runs over to him and engulfs him in a hug_)

BRITTANY (_running her eyes up and down his body_): What are you supposed to be, Kurt?

SANTANA (_visibly trying to suppress her laughter. Kurt side-eyes her._): He's a nutcracker.

BRITTANY (_confused_): Nutcracker? Isn't that a tad ironic, considering... (_She furrows her brow_) I'm sure Blaine wouldn't appreciate it if you crack either of his nuts.

(_Santana roars with laughter. Kurt's eyes widen and his mouth falls open in indignation_)

BRITTANY: And what is he dressed as anyways? Barbie?

* * *

BRITTANY: Oh golly, Sam's a smurf!

(_he would've turned red if his skin isn't blue. He merely turned purple in embarrassment as he hissed something at Mercedes, who is wearing a yellow dress and an apron and wielding a broom)_

MERCEDES: Tom's human from Tom and Jerry.

SAM (_still embarrassed—and purple): _For the record, I'm a Na'vi. Not a smurf. Thanks.

* * *

KURT (_walks around then peers at old family photographs. In the background, Blaine has climbed over the pool table and is dancing wildly even when Norah Jones' _Don't Know Why _is playing in the background, drunk to oblivion_): Nice... basement, Santana. I was kind of expecting to find a collection of medieval torture weapons and even Elizabeth bathory's bathtub where she is purported to bathe in virgins' blood... maybe even a few bodies. But can I just say this is a really pleasant surprise.

* * *

MERCEDES: Quinn, truth or dare?

QUINN: Truth.

MERCEDES: Okay, first kiss? And how was it?

SUGAR (_does a little dance and then starts clapping her hands to chant_): Spill the juicy details! Spill! Spill!

QUINN (_looks utterly disgusted at the memory_): Finn Hudson. He kissed like a Brillo pad with suction mechanism.

_(Finn visibly flinches and his ears turn red as everyone howls with laughter)_

SANTANA: Add jizz in the pants and you've got the whole Finn Hudson In-Experience.

* * *

RACHEL: Santana, these spiderwebs are so realistic! Where did you get these?

SANTANA (_offscreen_): They're the real thing, dumbass!

* * *

(_A thump in the background, and then a yelp of pain. The camera pans quickly to focus on Kurt, sitting on the floor, rubbing his backside._)

BRITTANY (_offscreen_): What happened?

KURT (_grimacing in pain_): I slipped because someone thoughtfully spilled their drink!

BRITTANY(_offscreen_): Oooh ... kay. Could you do that again? Didn't get that on tape.

KURT (_reaching forward in alarm_): Brittany!

* * *

(_a shot of the frying pan where an unholy mixture of bacon, teriyaki sauce, tofu and... ketchup sizzles. Rachel is hanging off of Quinn's arm cackling like crazy_)

RACHEL: Add some more tofu. It adds... adds... (_burps and then laughs so hard that Quinn nearly loses her balance_)

SANTANA: You are so cleaning up after this!

QUINN: Bacon is the cure for hangover, Santana.

RACHEL (_grinning maniacally_): Bacon! And tofu!

SANTANA: I'm not eating your weird vegan shit, Berry!

(_Rachel and Quinn disappear from the frame and instead shows a wide shot of the wrecked kitchen, lingering on the counter where brownie mixture with dried plant bits had been spilled. Some of it had dripped down onto the floor)_

* * *

SUGAR (_her gaze unfocused and her grip on her cup, loose that it is in danger of slipping_): Santana Lopez, you is loaded! (_she jabs a finger at Santana who is holding the camera_) Is your dad in the Spanish mafia or a member of the Mexican drug syndicate or something?

SANTANA: No, he's a doctor.

SUGAR: Ooh, like... Aztec witch doctor?

* * *

(_giggles can be heard in the background as the camera catches an obviously smashed Rory, clad only his underwear after a round of Strip Beer Pong, tries to wrap himself around a column. He mumbles unintelligible words but could be described as coy mutterings_)

SANTANA(_offscreen_): It's alright, Irish. My house would like to tell you she loves you back and that column is dying to top you so that you'll get crushed under its weight. (_a few seconds later in a lowered voice_) Good riddance if that happens. Nobody's gonna lust after Brittz and her pot of gold except for me.

* * *

(_a door opens to reveal Santana's sex dungeon—er, bedroom. The only source of light is a small lampshade perched on an end table. A Rastafarian poster is the only thing adorning the black walls... wait, the camera zooms in to tiny, wallet-sized photos tacked on the wall above Santana's bedside table, all of them showing a particular blonde—Brittany Pierce. Some of the pictures are of Brittany in sexy lingerie)_

BRITTANY(_offscreen_): If all those pictures didn't clue your parents in that they were raising a gay daughter, then they must be blind.

SANTANA _(appears on the frame still clad in her Lisbeth Salander gear, and even under weak light she manages to smoulder_): Well, for one my dad refuses to set foot in this room because he claims the black walls trigger his claustrophobia. And Brittz, I'm pretty sure all those sleepovers way back when were twelve clued them in.

BRITTANY (_voice rising in alarm)_: But you said these walls are soundproof? And that we can be as loud as we want?

(_Santana just smirks)_

SANTANA: Not really. My dad was either slow on the uptake or deep in denial. He asked me whether I was practicing devil worship by offering a human sacrifice after a particularly loud—

BRITTANY: I don't wanna hear it, San. God, all those breakfasts Mrs. L had served as and we were—oh my God, San. I won't be able to look your mom in the eye again!

(_video briefly fades to black and then open again to reveal two girls making out on the bed. Brittany is on top and she is grinding herself against Santana's jean-clad leg as Santana desperately claws against the shirt Brittany was wearing. The atmosphere of the room is charged, and both girls were moaning as they ground their centres against each other's leg_)

SANTANA _(moans): _Off. This should come off.

(_Brittany pushes herself up on her knees to aid in taking off her shirt and Santana's head whips toward her bedside table in alarm. She mouthes 'Shit' before jumping off the bed and lunging at the camera. A mumbled 'Sorry' is heard before everything dissolves into inky blackness)_

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**Commenting has been disabled for this video.**


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